Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
