DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
