I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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