i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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