loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
