if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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