today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
