i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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