i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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