You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
