you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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