He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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