Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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