Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
