I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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