my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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