So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
