Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
