Sponge bath it is.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
