Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
