I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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