I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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