worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
