i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
