honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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