apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
