I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
