Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize