yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
