bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
