I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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