You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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