I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize