Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
