yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
