Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
