Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
