I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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