I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
