Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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