Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
