She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
