im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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