I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
