Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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