It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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