I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
