I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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