So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
