Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
