There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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