Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
