hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
