i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize