I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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