when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize