I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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