it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
