I CAN MOONWALK!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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