I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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