I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
