her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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