So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize