I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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