I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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