guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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