if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
