My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize