Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
