Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
